I could not find better words to describe my year 2016. Now, I take it as it comes, in Chinese “既来之, 则安之”. As myself is not really fan of Confucianism. However, it is the only saying pop up in my mind, which would perfectly match my current mode.

Frustration – lost in my career path

In the end of last year, I finally decide to leave my boring and demanding job, which did not bring me to anywhere, except for frustrating boringness and no future development. In fact, I was very disappointed for the choice I made 3 year ago for the very first time in my career. I have left not idea but actually high quality previous job, respectable and influential boss, only just want to follow my instinct back to the field where I have thought more to be connected with. Moving across the half country again; first time starting the commuting life between two cities; travelling 5 hours 3 days/week for two jobs as transition…I felt full of energy and motivation. It was amazing condition. Unfortunately, soon after I started, I began to realize a weird working environment – less qualified older colleague who only wanted to hang there with a well paid and sound good title, office gossip queen type younger colleague, blar-blar and no focus boss, endless boring yet no progress meetings, most of all – poor quality projects. As someone use to work in simple and productive environment, or slightly male dominant environment (no prejudice), I felt to fall into a rabbit hole, which has sucked most of my energy by nonsense. In the fowling months and years, I start to isolate myself from the tiny gossip group, which only gave me headache and annoyingness. I certainly did not want to “fit-in” to the group do nothing good for me. It was not easy and pleasant. At the mean time, I was desperately looking for other opportunity, that I can leave this little irritating and low quality group officially. However, I was not strong or knowledgeable enough to start my own group, especially in a weak environment with very much limited resources and supports. Then, I knew it was time to go, but this time due to different reason. I had to admit that I made a bad choice to start this job with good expectation, even though I had tried and worked so hard to fix things as I expected. It would not work out no matter what. Without any guarantee for the next job, I just wanted and had to stop, when I realized how awful I did during a new interview (can not stop nagging without any awareness). For the very first time, I lost passion for the routine work, simply because not challenging and not right energy consuming work broke my career plan and expectation. Then, I am partially jobless.

Stress – difficult family relation

Temperately out of job is probably not the end of world. However, when it mixed with family issues, it is end of the world. For a quite while, I really dislike to be part of Chinese family. Although parents show weird attention and care of every step of your choice and your life, it somehow becomes a very deep and rude interfering and control, with I call – verbal abuse which probably the most popular way Chinese parents are fan of. No respect of your own choice and decision of your own life, which as a mature adult I did everything good as I can, I could and I would like; No real understanding the deep need of your life, keep pushing you towards the direction which you absolutely know you would not go. When you keep saying no and argue every single time, except for tiredness, the relation is full of tension, pain and damage. In the other hand, I also felt guilty which finally leads me to terrible stress. I crashed down for the very first time, and I finally admitted in the end.

Restoration – myself

Luckily, I still know how to save things to prevent they are getting worse, to block everything: stop work, stop contact with far away parents, and basically stop every contact to the person and things which make me stressful and unhappy. Luckily, I am not down, but very proactively searching way out. After shutting down possible contact which might trigger my emotion and escalate my negative stress level (normally, I think stress could be sometimes in positive way to make you focus and determinant), I still have rich leisure time and I am more enjoying the things/activities I use to do and like: go out, visit museum, research new cooking recipes, write travel blog, read books, go to exercise, talk to positive friends….After a short New year trip to the mountain region in Austria, I was back to my job hunting process. After have been nagging and regretting a bad working experience, I tried to look back and restore the positive and useful parts out of it, although it was not easy. Luckily, I had done lots of work and delivered quite some good results, only which were not matter for me. What can you do about it? I had to be clear that I was a good employee and dedicated to my tasks, but I am looking for something else and now I know more clearly than before. That was the first step to restore myself. Gradually, I got my passion back, and was able to re-evaluate myself and started new applications. This time, I have to be more realistic and more careful, not in rush jumping into another rabbit hole, which is what I have told myself.

 Flexibility – re-adapt to new situation     

After new application, good interviews, I got my confidence back. I started to feel good and more under control of myself. Still, I cut back all negative person and things out of my life, and tried not to solve or improve anything, which I knew it would not work anyway. Right before the last round interview of a very nice position, I suspected that I might be pregnant. Ok, that is another issue I need to sort out. Without confirm or rather no distraction, I went for the interview. Day after that, I did pregnancy test, and it was positive. How could I describe my reaction and feeling? I also have to admit that I am not fan of starting a family with kid. I like my life in the way it was; I enjoy life only with two persons, friends and things I like; I like to be alone sometime; most important, I do not think to have kid is somehow a track to complete your life. There is so much out there, and it is a serious responsibility coming from my own experience and understanding. I would not picture myself to be mom without conscious thinking, or just like a lots of parents who actually do crap to raise their kids, or think kid is an accessory, a way to complete their own life or some kind of product owned by them. Even though, I probably would not like that. For a long time, I fed up with my parents’ idea about having kid, only because your biological age is getting old. As a fact, I am not. I do not know based on what universe definition they are referring to, or it is just no base. They just want. That is not logical. Most of all, life in my definition is not one side, but having multiple faces, why people just like to stuck in one idea and also drag people around them into this silly direction. I really hate that. On the other hand, I have never pictured that live without kids. For me, I only would prefer to have in slightly later age. However, my parents do everything they could to stop that happening, including really destroy our already fragile relationship during the years. This process actually further diminished my desire and plan, on the contrary. We were end up with a completely un-explainable and bad relation, which almost killed me at the end of last year. I will search my own path and start my family only when I feel want to, but not anyone else tell me so. Pregnancy itself would not supersize me, since we have half thought about that, only did not know how soon it will happen. I was quite peaceful or pleased, except for worry about the coming adjustment of my own plan. Strangely, this big news I just did not want to share with my parents immediately, after so much difficulty and damage, although I know it will comfort them in any possible way. I basically lost my entire patient and care for them, because I almost broke down. I start seriously thinking about the family relationships, but more between me and my further little one. I am actually happy for her arriving, except I would not continue to make up my lost in my career path right away. It was not ideal, but I could accept that. With support from my partner, we agree to have a pregnancy off for me. I would positively use it also as power time off.

Power of time off

Accept the fact that it was not smart to start a new job, especially when you are ready to devote again and to achieve a better result for yourself for this “new job”. Just task as it comes. I love my own life, was not ready to welcome new family member, also afraid of mass up and completely changed life 9 months ago. Now, I feel the change little by little, in the positive way. I probably will not mass-up; will not have the same relation with my kid just like with my parents, only because of a deep psychological fear; my life will change for sure, but I probably can still have myself, because that depends who you are. I am still the same person. With believe and restored strength, although sometimes I am still very sensitive, especially to parents who still pass me mood wave, I do block them and throw away my nonuse guilty. Meanwhile, I start to build bond with my little one. I do love the feeling to care her, and feel her moving inside my belly, and grow with her. I have on more fear, weirdly.

Finally, after years busy and hard work, I could manage my own time as I want by change: pick up any cooking to start try something new; listen music whenever I want; visit gallery, museum during week; arrange little trip to the place I always want to go, or go back to the places we always want to; meet friends who are always pleasant to talk with; start to write my travel blog which I always want to finish few years ago; keep physically active as long as I can; enjoy everything I did in the past years, I do feel satisfaction; still work casually, and follow courses which will help me back to work next year….maybe I am completely sink into the world I create for myself. I do not find it is a problem, because I could not feel unhappy ever before. I am full of energy again, and feel overall great during my pregnancy. Last year, I was in hell. Although I still have trouble relation with parents yet consume lots of frustrating energy, and I am not keen to fall into strap again and again, I have to let it go and learn to accept that I can not or not necessary need to fix everything. Now, ~7 weeks left until I will finally meet the little cute one. I feel blessed and ready to move to new page. Even though I feel pity that I could not share all the happy and beautiful moment with my mom about my pregnancy, and I am no longer able to share all the joy, proud and deep thought in my life, but I hope I will be mom in the future that my own daughter will love to share her life with me.

Only to my birthday, mom-to-be in my middle of 30s

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Other interesting links:

The power of time off

Why some start families late

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